Unexpected lessons...

Sometimes its easy to become complacent and fall into old ways and unintentionally slip into cruise control when we are trying to become better versions of ourselves. I know I do it frequently. I get energized and excited off an idea or a goal, I set a direction, and then it starts to slip as time goes on. This is when we must “tend our gardens”. How do we know when this is happening? I keep a personal goal tracker that helps me see when I’m drifting from my intentions, but I also try to keep a general awareness of what is happening around me and what my environment is telling me.

This past week, I went on vacation with my family. It was an incredible trip and a much needed reset, but it also gave me a great deal of new perspective. One lesson I gleaned was from a young boy that couldn’t have been more than 3 years old. Caley and I were on our morning walk. We were walking along where the surf meets the beach and saw two young brothers (2-4 years old) running down to the waters edge and trying to retreat as fast as possible when the water would switch direction to avoid it running over their feet. Their Dad was standing overwatch, just a few feet away, allowing them to satiate their sense of adventure but prepared to step in if the surf were to win the race. I couldn’t help but grin as I approached. As we were about to pass, the tide switched direction and one boy turned to sprint back and nearly ran into me. He paused, looked up at a man that wasn’t his father, his eyes bulged slightly as our eyes met, and then he bolted in the other direction. It was priceless. Caley, myself, and the Dad all chuckled at the encounter. As I walked away with a smile on my face I couldn’t help but reflect. I remembered just a few days earlier when my middle son (11) had awkwardly encountered a stranger in a similar fashion while both heading for a urinal in a public bathroom. It was equivalently innocent and actually quite funny, but I scolded him for rushing, being rude and almost colliding with a stranger. Then, as my smile faded, I remembered another similar encounter. The first day at our condo we were waiting for the elevator, and all of my kids were bursting with so much excitement that they couldn’t help themselves from racing each other into the elevator as it opened, only to slam on the brakes as they almost ran over people waiting to exit the elevator. They all were slightly embarrassed, and instead of laughing it off I scolded them on patience, forethought and consideration. Reliving these moments in my head, I instantly felt heavy. That all too familiar sense of failure started to creep in. Why was the little boy on the beach so cute and innocent but my kids were doing something wrong?

One of my biggest fears as a father is setting expectations too high and robbing my children of their youth and just letting them be kids. However, juxtaposing this against wanting to raise mature and thoughtful humans creates a challenging dichotomy for me. So how do I tend this garden?

Awareness, forgiveness, and accountability.

I realized that, much like having too high of expectations for my children at times, I do the same for myself. I’m not a failure. I also know that simply being aware of the situation reduces the likelihood of me continuing to overreact to harmless situations. I confess my faults to my wife and kids. This is opens the door to forgiveness and accountability. When my family knows I’m aware and I’m trying, they soften their hearts to my stubborn ignorance. By sharing that I want to change, it creates a level of accountability.

I think it's important to remember that being a better version of ourselves, or being the best man we can be, will never be a destination. It's a journey. It's a perennial garden that requires constant tending and will go through many seasons. I’m grateful for that brief encounter that taught me so much. I’m grateful for that little boy that made me refocus my priorities and be just a little better as a Dad and a little better man.