How often do you look in the mirror?

Have you ever complained about someone and then realized the very thing you disdain in that person is something you do routinely? Have you ever seen your kids do something that frustrated you or embarrassed you only to realize your kids are mirroring your behavior? I know I have experienced both of these scenarios. I've always found it easier to look out the window and “armchair quarterback” or critique others. It’s never easy to take the time to pay attention to what is being “reflected” back at us from the people we love and the people we come in contact with.

So, how do you feel about your environment? Are you constantly thinking your kids misbehave? Your wife is annoying, frustrating, inconsiderate or just doesn’t “get it”? Are most people you encounter stupid, impatient, or foolish?

Last week we talked about how it all starts and ends with us. We need to improve ourselves before we can improve others.

I would contend that the majority of our environment and our most frequent interactions are a direct reflection of ourselves.

Do you like what you see in this metaphorical mirror? If not, don’t worry! You can change it. You can intentionally shape this “reflection”. Like most things in life this is no easy undertaking.

Most of my life I have had a short fuse and a bad temper. I hate repeating myself and patience is not something that comes easy to me. I would routinely complain about how much I “hate people” and or rebuke others, both behind their backs and to their face. It was always someone else’s fault.

I honestly don’t remember the first time it happened but as I was complaining about something that someone else was doing I realized that I did the very same thing I was complaining about them doing. I know that my incredible wife has called me out on this very scenario and may have been the key to my first epiphany, but I can’t be sure. Even if she wasn’t, I’ll give her the credit because, you know… happy wife, happy life! Regardless of its origin, it hit me hard. It hit me deep and viscerally. Then as I became aware, I started to see it more often. I would overhear my kids. My oldest son would be cold and sharply critiquing his younger siblings, who were doing a fine job at whatever task they were being critiqued on. My heart sank when I realized that it was my voice I was hearing coming from my oldest son. I felt disgust, embarrassment, and failure. How can I undo this? Then before long I had a similar experience with my youngest. I overheard her being incredibly short and impatient with her brothers, unknowing of my presence. As I stepped into the room, the look on her face said everything. She knew she was wrong. I couldn’t bring myself to scold her. She was simply reflecting my actions. It’s official. I am a bad Dad.

There is a great quote by James Baldwin that states,

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

I thought I was being a great parent. I would routinely discuss family values. I would affirm my unconditional love. But I was all talk and no walk. Talk is cheap. Talk is easy. As we all know, actions speak louder than words.

I would love to tell you that after this all came to light I discovered the secret sauce, I flipped a switch and everything is now perfect, but I didn’t and it’s not. I did, however, discover that these “gardens” [Self and Being a great father] needed some serious “weeding”. I realized, yet again, that if I don’t improve, I can’t help those around me. If I don’t step up my game, I will continue to be disappointed in the reflection of the man in the mirror displayed all around me.

So I cracked out my metaphorical pruning shears to start tending these gardens, and I called a family meeting. I confessed my shortcomings to my family. I apologized and asked for not only their forgiveness but their patience and their help. I told them that I couldn’t undo 30+ years of bad habits and attitude overnight but I wanted to improve. I was ready to make a change, and I needed their help. Like always they had my back. Why do they never give up on me? I just poured my heart out about how bad of a Dad and person in general I have been, and all of my children and my wife express their love and desire to help make a change. Maybe I’m not as bad of a Dad as I thought?

I had identified the areas I needed to improve and started to set some goals/big rocks. I keep a goal tracker in my journal with each of my primary gardens as headers with subsequent goals below each. Under the garden header “Being a great Father” I decided I would set the goals of: daily embrace/individual gratitude, nightly family gratitude journal, weekly life lesson/family chat, monthly 1-on-1 time per kid and to plan an annual goal setting retreat/vacation with the kids. During our weekly “family chats” we discuss topics like treating others the way we want to be treated, our family values, things we are good at and things we need to improve on. I then continue this conversation individually once a month on a Daddy-daughter/son date. Putting myself in this coaching-like position has made me far more aware of my presence and attitude. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not perfect. I still lose my temper occasionally. I still see “reflections” I don’t like that are directly from my actions. But I also see drastic improvement. I realized I don’t hate people, I hate the stupid things people do and more often than not, I hate the stupid things that people do that are caused by the stupid things that I do. I’m starting to truly enjoy the reflection I see in the mirror.

As you focus on the man you want to be, start to notice the reflections around you. How can you be intentional about improving yourself to shape those reflections? I use a goal tracker that I would love to share with you. Have you had any similar experiences? I would love to hear your story and what has worked for you! A rising tide lifts all boats. As we share our experiences we can all rise together and maybe leave this world just a touch better than we found it!